The London Bae

London Bae.jpg

Let me start by telling you that if you come across a London Bae never, and I mean NEVER, tell her that she looks like Kim Kardashian. Like never. What you might think she should consider as a compliment, SHE WILL NOT. Yes, the London Bae is a very confusing species. Like, don’t compliment her makeup, she isn’t wearing any (even if you think her face is sort of a work of art), or don’t tell her she looks thinner, the only workout she knows are squats and not to get her butt smaller precisely! Among their skills you can count the fact that they are able to pose in very natural positions emphasising both ass and bust, dress sexy but not showing much (just enough to tell you HEY! THEY ARE HERE! but keep you wondering how they got in there?) and the fact that London Baes need no fans in summer, they have their eyelashes, and no blankets in winter, they have plenty of synthetic hair to wrap themselves with.

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Sepherd’s Bush Market Fabrics Shops

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The proud owners of the fabrics shops in Sepherd’s Bush market are another classic of London. Whether you want to sew a new sari or you are looking to improve your house decoration, you can find the most colourful fabrics in their shops in West London. When you walk in these shops you will feel like you are in a different place, and you better be alert of any suspicious magic carpet or accidentally rub a lamp that might bring the genie out!

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The London Bus Driver

The bus driver

The last of London TFL’s species is here! The London Bus Driver is a very chilled species that only gets angry when its nemesis appears: The London Taxi Driver… or the London Cyclist (coming soon)… or a normal car driver… or any species that drives any sort of wheeled vehicle on the road for that matter. Commuting by bus in London is normally a very pleasant experience thanks to the London Bus Driver’s chilled attitude, unless the Driver is doing his last ride of the day, then you better get ready for a F1 experience around London and enjoy the road bumps as if you were on a high donkey!

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The Angry Cabbie

the-cab-driver

Let me start by saying that black cabs are the coolest and more expensive way to move around London… unless you have an Angry Cabbie. The level of angriness since the arrival of UBER has reached peak points and the rows that some drivers can get into are magnificent! There is no company, public person, institution or public service that can escape the unstoppable mouth of an Angry Cabbie. But hey! you will arrive on time to your date with a great knowledge of current affairs… and £50 less.

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@sisterwivescollective

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American women are desperate and gossip about their neighbours, London ones go on holidays and sip cocktails in the park… or at least these ones do. @sisterwivescollective really know how to enjoy life. Welcome to the London Zoo. ❤

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Amy Schumer

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Let’s welcome to the London Zoo a species from a different continent, Amy Schumer. Amy belongs to the family of the Stand Up comedians which basically make us laugh saying things like “All my friends are getting married. I guess I’m just at that age where people give up” or “Don’t feel bad for me. I think I’m, like, so pretty” that might sound like just normal stuff that we all say everyday but when they say it sounds very funny. And she must be doing it well because she is performing in the O2 which is quite awesome. Can’t wait to see you live tomorrow Amy! Welcome to London!

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The Crackman

As Londoners we all know how important the Crackmen are… they basically keep these old Victorian and council houses running with a little patch here and a new pipe segment there. They are a hardworking species, and even if this particular one is fixing an old toilet, they can do nearly everything: kitchen jobs, TV jobs, door jobs, wall jobs… but don’t be mistaken, they have been wrongly portrayed on a certain movie genre and even if they often show a bit too much skin, they DO NOT do those kind of jobs too. Not that you want to anyway.

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Miss Muscles

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Miss Muscles is a very common species in the south of London, especially in the Vauxhall area although they can also be spotted around Soho from Thursday to Sunday nights. This species of the London Zoo has developed muscles that didn’t exist before through dubious methods. Technogym is their god, and they worship in different temples around London, being Soho Gyms and Pure Gyms their favourite. Don’t be fooled by all the hair and the macho look, everything is planned so there is enough hair to attract followers but not so much that a colony of lice could establish on their underpits. Their social life is as active offline as is online, and is it a characteristic of this species to post at least twice per day in at least two different social network, one of them always Instagram. But not all is vanity in his life, it is their characteristic trying to help people out to achieve their goals, to eat healthier, to strive, to work hard. To push, PUSH, PUSH!.

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The Little Pony Monster

Little Pony Monster

Now, I actually saw this person. And she had a Little Pony on her head. I was travelling to Edinburgh and there she was, getting in the plane as if carrying a Little Pony on the head is the most common thing to do. And I wondered what takes people to this stage in their lives. Is it some trauma? Maybe some drug? Is this what happens to Lady Gaga’s little monsters when they grow up? And HOW the HELL did she go through airport security? I am really curious so if you guys know her PLEASE, ask her to contact me.

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The Snake

The Snake

In every office, in every shop, in every workplace there is a Snake. He/She knows more, he/she knows better, or that he/she thinks because normally he/she is daft as a brush. He/She looks for a new victim. You might think he/she is smelling something disgusting and that is why he/she has that face, but not! Disgust is his/her natural state, and that face has years of hate and sneaking behind. The worst thing that could happen to you is for the Snake to be your boss. Be ready for stupidity and nonsense NONSTOP. You better find another place or you might end up discovering feelings of destruction that you didn’t know you could have!

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